I am 2.5 weeks out after a life changing surgery. They say that you don’t remember much. It’s true. Some memories fade in and out. All I know now is that I sit here cancer free, though not without scars. The pain in my body is managed with regular OTC meds. I do not need any home care visits as my physical healing is progressing well. My mind is what I now fight with daily. Not that that is anything new.
They say the docs did an amazing job. I believe them from a medical perspective. I am extremely grateful for the skill of all who cared for me. The advances in medicine have blessed me. I do believe that cancer would have taken my life had not the doctors been used by God to treat me. However, I now need to get used to this new body.
It still hurts. Even as I type this, my emotions are trying to leak out. I am standing up straighter, and my kids celebrate that, even though I am a sloth. Today, I am prepping my mind to try again to sleep in my own bed next to my husband. The first time was an epic fail, tears and all.
To be honest, I am not a fan of looking in the mirror. I know that beauty is not simply a physical thing. I know that God has created me fearfully and wonderfully. Nothing can change that. I know that my hubby loves me no matter what. Still, any woman who has lost her hair, had her breasts removed, and has a scar from hip to hip will hesitate to say much positive at all. Remember, this is a reality check, friends. I know truth. Sometimes truth hurts, that’s all.
In future months, I will be heading back to the surgeon to revise a few things and put the finishing touches on my new chest. Tattoos. Who would have thought that? Since I have no feeling there, they say it won’t hurt.
I have three docs whom I will be visiting regularly over the next five years at least. My cancer needs to stay away. If it chooses to find me again, we will be ready to fight.
Daily, I hear my kids mention things they want to do “when Mommy is healthy”. I miss that. I hope I never again take for granted the days of being healthy. Yes, we did a lot this summer. More than I thought we would. Bryan has been a super hero to our family. I did a lot of sitting and watching. I look forward to really being Mom again.
Cancer is just really hard. Not harder than any other disease, I am sure. As October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I have read so many “inspirational” quotes. To be honest, I don’t believe half of them. Call me crazy and a negative woman. However, I don’t believe that this cancer, this pain, this loss, is what makes me anything special. I don’t believe this makes me a warrior. Yes, I have survived, but not by anything that I did. There are many others who have followed the same regimen and have had far different responses. God has chosen to use this cancer to change me: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don’t like it, but I know that God loves me through it all. Cancer is not about me. It is about Him.
I am quite tired of sitting in this chair doing basically nothing. I will be ready to be cleared medically in a few weeks. Not that that does not bring its own element of fear. Will I be able to do what I did before? Ugh, my minds goes crazy sometimes.
I close with the verse that I need so desperately. You have heard me say it more than once. God has used this to massage my hurting heart on many occasions. (Paraphrase). “God will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on Him.”
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