Friday, May 19, 2017

Hitting the Wall Hurts

I think I hit a mental wall this week.  The wall won.
When people say that I may think this will never end, I believe them.  I know it will.  I know that God is carefully watching me every step of the way.  I know it will end, but right now I don't see how.
Yes, I am almost done with the yucky stuff.  The summer weekly chemo should not be as difficult on my body.  Surgery will be most likely the end of September.  I will have that nailed down within the next 6 weeks.  There is a practical end to the treatment.
What hit me this week is the lingering effects that cancer will have.  As with most trials that anyone goes through, I will never be the same.  There will be obvious physical changes and scars. My kids wonder what my hair will look like when it decides to return.  There may be some things that never come back.  Will there be nerve damage inherent with a radical surgery?  Will I ever be able to regain energy even close to where I was before cancer?  Will I be ever cured of cancer? My membership in the club of cancer survivors is a lifetime membership.  
I hesitate to write this as I sound like a thankless, grumpy woman.  Today I probably could be described (especially by my family) as an angry, sad, frustrated, exhausted woman.  So, friends, I am sharing a bit of reality.
What I am counting on is the many prayers of family, friends, and friends of friends whom I will never meet.  Worldwide, my family is brought before God’s throne.  Despite my mindset today, I cannot imagine facing tomorrow without a confidence in the One who knows tomorrow and the next day and next year.
A few weeks ago I saw Laura graduate from Cedarville.  This week I get to watch Matthew and Maddie in the their high school play, Shrek.  Life goes one, and God has allowed me to watch.  I can’t DO very much.  My body gets worn down with the slightest exertion.  However, God is always good.
Yes, hitting the wall hurt.  I cry a lot.  However, this is just an obstacle that I  will have to choose to climb, or walk around, or just sit until Someone carries me over.

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