Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Defeated - or at least that is how I feel

Fostering is not for the casual spectator - you need to be engaged.  It is not for those who want to change the world - you can't.  So why am I doing this?  Please remind me, Lord.  
My littles tossed  "those" words across the kitchen again:  "My real mom is fighting for us.  She said we would go back to live with her.  She did say though we would still be able to see you."  Ugh.  
From the beginning, I have desired strong, healthy families.  This fostering gig wears away at that goal.  Fostering at its base is for children to have safe families while their birth families get their act together.  Sounds good, right?  Yet, in this drawn out legal process, my kids are caught in the lingo and emotional mess of reality and dreams.  
My kids are mad.  They wake up that way.  By 6:00 they were yelling and banging on walls.  Before 7:00 this morning, we already had two things broken.  My 3yo stomped and scowled around the kitchen.  The 11yo threw his fists and words to intentionally hurt.   
Defeat was the best word to describe my heart.  I know in my head that is not true.  God has already won the battle for my soul and for the ones in my family.  He will win.  His words are truth.  My kids are hearing lies.  It still hurts.  
As we move each day closer to trial, I feel that emotions on both sides of the courtroom are amped up.  

Lord, I need you today in a deep way.  Please pour some sweetness.  Some freshness.  Some newness.  Please remind me, Lord, of your presence.  Please show me how to choose joy and not defeat.  

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