We have four boys. We
have cracked windows. The two are
related. One of the storm windows in our
family room succumbed to a well thrown, not so well placed baseball. Over the summer, the cucumber vines planted
outside the window wound their way in and around the cracks. The littles enjoyed observing the growth of
the plants as well as the crickets and bees that go along with plants. The other day I noticed a yellow moth flying
aimlessly between the two windows. It
sat motionless with its wings perfect, just so.
In a flurry of panic the wings beat incessantly until the poor insect
sat still again finding no way out of its glass prison.
The moth’s flurry of panic and its beating of hopelessness reminded
of me of the butterflies that have found their way into my heart in the last
few weeks. I know I can feel their wings
fluttering.
My Daredevil’s first day of preschool arrived this week. I knew he would love it, but as we approached
the building and walked down the hallway, his little voice questioned. Would he have to stay there? Would I come back for him? No three year old should have to worry if his
mommy is coming to get him. My heart fluttered.
We entered another year of homeschool. I am trying a few new ideas to keep our
education experience fresh. Though the
routine of what makes us familiar felt comfortable. Keeping schedules, finding individual time
with children, and entertaining little ones keep my heart a flutter. I recently graduated our first child and sent
her off to college, and that brings an entire swarm of butterflies dancing a
full length ballet in my heart. Can I
keep this up with seven more children?
I have two toddlers, a preschooler, two eight year olds, an
eleven year old, and a fifteen year old in our home. Oh my!
I am asking God for peace in my home.
We have been focusing on respect and immediate obedience. That said, I don’t feel like we have
accomplished much recently. My role as
mom is challenged daily. I struggle not
to take that personally, but rather give it over to my Father who gave these
children to me. How do I keep from
getting angry, from reaching a frustration explosion point, from losing all
control, from panicking? My heart
races.
Time marches on ever so slowly in the court system for our
foster children. At every turn arises
another hurdle, another glass wall. As
the moth, I often panic and my momma wings flutter and makes lots of
noise. In the end, I have gotten
nowhere.
I could give platitudes.
Today I give you reality.
Lord, calm my heart.
Remind me again that there are always cracks in the window. You have made your plan perfect. There is a way to walk through this crazy
life of mine without a heart of butterflies.
Help me see your beauty and rest in the frustrating and exhausting.
1 comment:
This is beautifully written . And I say this all the time, you amaze me on how you balance it all! You are doing a great job. Also you blogs are so well written you might consider publishing them as a collection. I love them!
From Shannon M
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