Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Moth in the Glass

We have four boys.  We have cracked windows.  The two are related.  One of the storm windows in our family room succumbed to a well thrown, not so well placed baseball.  Over the summer, the cucumber vines planted outside the window wound their way in and around the cracks.  The littles enjoyed observing the growth of the plants as well as the crickets and bees that go along with plants.  The other day I noticed a yellow moth flying aimlessly between the two windows.  It sat motionless with its wings perfect, just so.  In a flurry of panic the wings beat incessantly until the poor insect sat still again finding no way out of its glass prison.
The moth’s flurry of panic and its beating of hopelessness reminded of me of the butterflies that have found their way into my heart in the last few weeks.  I know I can feel their wings fluttering. 
My Daredevil’s first day of preschool arrived this week.  I knew he would love it, but as we approached the building and walked down the hallway, his little voice questioned.  Would he have to stay there?  Would I come back for him?  No three year old should have to worry if his mommy is coming to get him.  My heart fluttered. 
We entered another year of homeschool.  I am trying a few new ideas to keep our education experience fresh.  Though the routine of what makes us familiar felt comfortable.  Keeping schedules, finding individual time with children, and entertaining little ones keep my heart a flutter.  I recently graduated our first child and sent her off to college, and that brings an entire swarm of butterflies dancing a full length ballet in my heart.  Can I keep this up with seven more children? 
I have two toddlers, a preschooler, two eight year olds, an eleven year old, and a fifteen year old in our home.  Oh my!  I am asking God for peace in my home.  We have been focusing on respect and immediate obedience.  That said, I don’t feel like we have accomplished much recently.  My role as mom is challenged daily.  I struggle not to take that personally, but rather give it over to my Father who gave these children to me.  How do I keep from getting angry, from reaching a frustration explosion point, from losing all control, from panicking?  My heart races. 
Time marches on ever so slowly in the court system for our foster children.  At every turn arises another hurdle, another glass wall.  As the moth, I often panic and my momma wings flutter and makes lots of noise.  In the end, I have gotten nowhere. 
I could give platitudes.  Today I give you reality. 
Lord, calm my heart.  Remind me again that there are always cracks in the window.  You have made your plan perfect.  There is a way to walk through this crazy life of mine without a heart of butterflies.  Help me see your beauty and rest in the frustrating and exhausting. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is beautifully written . And I say this all the time, you amaze me on how you balance it all! You are doing a great job. Also you blogs are so well written you might consider publishing them as a collection. I love them!
From Shannon M