Last year our little girl, Julia, saw Jesus for the first time. We still miss her. I often think of her and what might have been; what does she look like, would she be walking yet, what was her first word? These feeling only reveal my selfish heart. I wanted to see her, kiss her, and mother her. She is in a much better place, and I have a different job to do until I meet her.
My sweetie brought home flowers yesterday. He wanted me to know that he hadn't forgotten. He remembered that one of my fears in the midst of the intense pain was that the babies that I had carried inside of me would be forgotten. I am blessed with a husband who listened to my fears and loved me with a bouquet. It was OK to cry.
Today we will celebrate our family. Not only the four who are with Jesus but also the four that God has blessed me with today. We are making cheese steaks and fries for dinner and having ice cream for dessert. I think that a movie is on the agenda as well. My kids are excited just to hang out together. I am abundantly blessed.
I would be lying if I said that I haven't cried or that my heart doesn't hurt any more. I have two other babies in my home to mother. I know in my head that God wants to me do that job now, but I still wonder. I am learning how to love in ways that I never thought possible. God is still at work. He has never abandoned me.
I am choosing today to remember both the pain and the preciousness of life.
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