A Diagnosis

The lump had been there for awhile.  Cysts are not uncommon, and they always seemed to go away.  This one did not.  This week, a biopsy proved what I did not want to know.  Cancer.
The next few days blurred together in an ugly swirl of fear, information, and tears.
This week after a litany of tests I will have a port put in to receive chemo on Thursday, April 13.  After that is completed at the end of the summer, I will be having surgery, though the extent of the surgery has not been decided.
My head is spinning with dates, numbers, unknown vocabulary, and questions. How am I to mommy six kids at home?  How can I get their schooling done?  How do I help my kids’ hearts to understand a loving, faithful God in this middle of such concern and uncertainty?
I am so thankful for Bryan who loves me and supports me through all the good and bad.  I feel for him as he now carries a burden far greater than he ever imagined. It makes me sad.
I am blessed beyond measure with family and friends who have already stepped up to help with the logistics of a family with a sick momma.
Only God knows what will happen tomorrow let alone in eight months.  I wish I could plan everything out. Even now, I want to have it all laid out.  Just tell me what to do.  We as a family have been wounded in past years for other various reasons, and God has chosen to leave a scar that is tender.  Now there are to be more scars.  To be honest, I am tired of it.  Yet, I know that in the end God will be glorified.  Selfishly, I want to be a stay at home mom for the next 10+ years who teaches her kids.  I want to grow old with Bryan as we visit all our kids around the country in an RV.  Yes, that is our dream.  I want to live those dreams.
I am counting of the prayers of others.  I am counting on grace.
Lord, help me.