Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Because Sometimes it is Hard

I will grant any mom with any number of kids moments of doubt, insecurity, and outright insanity. Please, though, offer me the same courtesy.  Just when I think I have a pinky's grasp on today, it slips quickly out of my hands.  
Adoption is a beautifully messy, best most difficult choice.  Memories return and "what-if's" arise.  Love never ends, but my littles will wonder.  Today was one of those days.  "Will I ever see mommy again?  Why can't I see _________?"  No matter how you think you have planned for those questions, you are not.  
I am Mom.  I will be Mom forever.  Life's crooked road leaves my kids wondering if that will always be true.  A fovever family is a blessing to be lived moment by moment.  It means I will feel less than sometimes.  
"Real moms" are hard to identify and define for a 4, 5, and 6 year old.  Real moms live in the real life of school days, dinner time, play time, and bedtime.  They giggle and smile.  They listen.  They discipline.  They hug.  They provide.  They love.  
Kids define their own reality sometimes.  They struggle with who they are too.  
Who am I kidding?  I deal with these same issues.  I did not have to carry the hurts of removal and not seeing my birth mother.  I do wonder how I am even close to adequate to deal with these hurts.  I struggle with loving unlovable children more times than not.  
Then I stop.  

God, help me to be the mom you want me to be today, at this moment.  Show me how to love in new ways.  Please use me to heal the hearts of my children.  You brought them to me so young, yet I feel that the past has a hold on them.  Please, Lord, I know you have a plan for each of my children.  I want to be one who leads them in following you, not the patterns of their past.  

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