Keeping on

Some days I can – well. Other days, not so much. Today is one day that it seems like I am just going through the motions. Sometimes my head throbs and my body hurts. Sometimes my heart just aches to hold my little one. I really don't have any motivation for much. Maybe that is the medication. Maybe it is just part of life right now. I wish I was not so angry at the littlest thing. My kids don't deserve that. Part of me wants to scream, "Do you have a clue about what is going on?" Other times I just want to hug them and not say a word. They don't really know, nor do they have to. They hurt in their own ways.

Nighttime can be very dark and quiet. That leaves the door open for my mind to rehearse. Ugh! I don't like to rehearse. I don't want to take part in this game again! The other night, however, the Holy Spirit was gracious and brought to my mind the many ways that my family and friends have shown love to our family. He also brought to mind the verses in Philippians that challenge me to bring my requests to God and leave the anxiety out. That is so tough. I am not good at that at all. What He promises, though, is His incomparable peace that will guard my heart and mind.

Instead of rehearsing the hurt, I will choose at this moment to rehearse the blessings.

• Meals provided at the perfect time when I could not even think of cooking
  
• My mom who does just about everything: food shopping, laundry, cooking, childcare and transportation. Mostly she is there to listen and hug me when I can do nothing but cry.
  
• Multiple cards, facebook and blog comments, e-mails, and phone calls that express concern and encouragement
  
• Friends to sit and talk
  
• Notes and crafts from my kids that share their love
  
• Hugs and kisses each morning
  
• My husband who sacrificed so much in the midst of his own grieving to show me amazing love.
  
• Calls from my hubby every day just to see how I am doing.
  

Tears burn my eyes as I write this. I truly am blessed and loved. I cannot even imagine going through such a hurt without this support. God will, in time, heal my heart. I say that, knowing that God is a faithful God. In the midst of my frustration, hurt, and pain, I know that God will always be there and his ultimate plan is perfect for my life. I don't like it right now, nor do I understand it. To be honest, sometimes I just want to stay sad and angry. That is not a fun place to be. Choosing to live that way pushes away the many blessings that God chooses to put into my life. I wanted to experience the blessing of my little girl, but God's plan was that I experience her without knowing her.

Today may be just a day to keep on, but that is OK, I guess.