Saturday, October 17, 2009


My mind spins continually with memories of the past weeks, thoughts of what might have been, and challenges of today. I hesitate to write. It would be safe to say that I am on a rollercoaster of emotions that is a ride I don't enjoy.

God loves me. He knows all. His plan is perfect. All that said, it is hard to truly live out what I believe.

My kids were singing "My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. There's nothing my God cannot do." I lay in bed and cried. Why didn't he save Julia? I know that question pours from my weak humanity. I cannot see God's perfect plan. I do not know what God was saving Julia from. Yet, I still ask.

Yesterday was a good day. Today is not. Maybe it is the fourth day without sunshine that is adding to my sadness. Grieving is a process that is different for every person. I don't know what that means for me yet. I can't hold on to what was never mine to begin with, yet I still feel a very deep loss. Just ten days ago, my belly bulged with a little one inside. Now she is gone. All the nausea that I felt, all the aches, all the anticipation of having another little one in our home, seem to have been for naught.

It will take time for my heart to heal. In the mean time, I have been given the privilege to raise four other children here on earth. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. A large part of me wants to shut down and do nothing. Yet, I am prompted by a small quiet voice inside that pushes me out of bed and get me moving during the day. I don't want to waste what God has already given me.

Oh, I so need God's help.


He & Me + 3 said...

I know your pain. Grieving is different for everyone. Some days are so much harder than others. Praying for God's peace.

Mrs. Susan Bowman said...
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Mrs. Susan Bowman said...

You are right . . . grief is different for each person. I am praying you will feel God's arms wrapped tightly around you as you grieve.

Jodi said...

Praying for you my friend. It is beyond our understanding...praying for your comfort and peace.