Sunday, May 12, 2013

A Battle

I woke up fighting a battle today, one that was in my mind.  I felt defeated before I even left my bedroom.  It is Mother’s Day, a holiday that honors women who hold a job highly valued by God.  Yet, I felt arrows of doubt, sadness, and guilt mixed with heart feelings of gratefulness and joy.  My role as mom began over 20 years ago, and since then I have been privileged to birth four amazing children.  Four other children, who have not had to walk this earth, wait at the feet of Jesus in Heaven.  Still four more precious children have been in our home for closing in on three years.  The state seems bound and determined to sever that relationship.  Given that, my heart fights to be settled on today.  Today is hard at times.  Today is what I fought for from the moment I awoke and as I let the shampoo rinse from my hair.  I fought.  Jesus fought harder.
I cried. 
But Jesus was winning the battle.
Smiles met me at breakfast as did three painted lady butterflies that had broken free from their chrysalis overnight.  That is always a good start and a reminder of a new beginning, a changed life.  I knew I was going to meet a friend and one of my little ones for breakfast again before church, but the chocolate chip pancakes that my Sweetie makes are hard to pass up. 
I sat on the swing outside the door of church waiting for my friend, reading, swinging.  A sweet lady in the church who knows our story asked how I was doing.  She blessed me by acting on her genuine concern for me.  She sat with me in the swing and prayed right there.  I hugged her.  She did not know that she played a special role in the battle.  God knew that I needed some extra help right then. 
As I drove away with my sweet friend and my little girl, I was bombarded with preschool questions and silliness which I welcomed. We smiled.  We talked.  We giggled. In the middle of heartache and uncertainty, God helped me to enjoy the moment. 
So many little things bless me.  Those little moments are what God sends so I can catch a glimpse of him.  He is my warrior.  He is my shield.  Satan is fighting hard for my heart and mind.  I cannot give him an inch.  That takes so much out of me.
After church we headed out to lunch.  Following a time of recalibrating little ones at Panera and a threat of taking our food and leaving, we settled down together to eat.  I did not have to cook or clean up. (Though I probably should have taken better care of the yogurt smeared on the window). That is all good. 
One of the things necessary in a battle is a strategy.  Sometimes that means retreat to regroup.  My Sweetie took my charges and let me do that in the form of a nap.  Often quiet lets me hear more of the battle sounds, but Jesus was winning this battle.  I slept. 
Before the crew got home, I laced my new sneakers that my sweetie gifted me with for Mother’s Day and took off for a power walk by myself.  The sky was a perfect blue.   I could smell spring.  I rounded the corner on the last third of my walk and the wind picked up and blew directly into my face.  I took a deep breath.  And another.  And another.  Not that God was in the wind, but He let me breathe him in on that walk.  He refreshed me. 
A half priced Starbucks frappe and a trip to Target with no one else in tow filled my afternoon.  At home again, I enjoyed a praise time with my son at the piano and Angel on the guitar.  Worship can only frustrate the enemy in the battle.  This was one way I could fight along with God. 
Now I sit to write.  My sweet husband sits across from me.  My children are home and settled (at least I have not had any panic calls).  Much has happened today.  Mother’s Day is an honor.  My day began as an all out affront.  I let God take over.  I am a weakling, but my Savior is all-powerful.   He continues to fight for me.  Yesterday had hurts.  I still have fears.  I still have doubts.  Tomorrow has uncertainty.  Today has blessings.  Lord, thank you for today. 


Ithappenstobehaiti said...

Wow...thanks for sharing your heart! You are choosing to glorify God in the hard times.

Anonymous said...

Many thanks for being so real.
It is so true the battle is always ever present but we know who wins!