Monday, October 5, 2009

Sometimes I Just Don’t Understand

Today brought many sobs and tears, a terrible headache, unimaginable feelings of loss, and unanswered questions. My sweetie and I entered the examination room for a routine ultrasound only to find out that our little one had passed away. God chose to take her to heaven early. She is in his hands, but I honestly wanted to hold her in my arms. As my son lamented, I wanted to give her lots of kisses.

Our plan was to be surprised with who this little one was. Today changed that plan. After hearing the horrific news, we chose to find out that this little angel is a girl. Her name is Julia Eryn.

My heart is broken; I am devastated; I want to be able to hold my baby. In all that, I have to trust in a God who does nothing but good for me, even when the good hurts like nothing else.

I am convinced that God wanted us to conceive this baby, and I have to choose to believe that He wanted to take her to be with Him. I look forward to meeting her along with her three other siblings someday in heaven.

This heartache is tough for my children. They don't understand either, and I have no answers. They are seeing God in a completely new way. Their faith is growing along with mine.

This really stinks. It will be a very long week. I am so thankful for a tremendously supportive family and church. My husband is hurting alongside me and yet is supporting me every step of the way. I love him so much.

My life changed in an instant today. God has not promised me a life of ease. This is not easy. He has promised never to leave me, and that is what I am holding on to tonight.


He & Me + 3 said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too. I know the pain. The only joy at a time like this is knowing that our babies are being held in the strongest arms EVER. They are being loved and are waiting for us.
Praying for peace today for you.

Jodi said...

Oh Sandy, your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart aches for your loss. When I read your post, I was reminded of Psalm 23 which was our bible lesson today. I pray that you find comfort and peace in knowing that He is with you always, and that your precious baby girl is in the arms of Jesus today. I will keep praying for you. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and faith in this post. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain that only He can bring healing too. God Bless you.

jennifer said...

Oh Sandy, I am so sorry. I have been there, three times. Each baby is as loved and cherished as all the others.

I will be praying for your comfort and peace.