Sometimes My Heart Still Hurts

It may be a picture. Often it is a song. Maybe it is a story shared by someone else whose heart hurts. My bruised and broken heart gets jolted and I wince in pain. It has been a year and a half since Julia went to heaven and many years since my three other little ones first saw Jesus. Somehow, though, it feels like just yesterday. I so wish I had the chance to hold my little ones, to see them, to kiss them. I know I have shared this all before. Please forgive my redundancy, but I am just being real.

Easter is difficult. It shouldn't be. Christ's resurrection was the single most amazing and significant event of all time. He conquered sin, Satan, and death all in one fell swoop. But, there is the rub. Death. Ugh! Having four little ones precede me stinks. It just does. I know what you may be thinking. Sandy, get real. You have four other children and two precious little babies in your home to take care of. I know, I know. That's what makes this hard. Maybe Satan is just playing with me. I trust I will see my babies again, and that is the hope Easter provides.

I miss Julia. I saw her precious little form in the ultrasound pictures. Just a few short weeks before she died, I saw her little body squirming like nobody's business. I have a both a baby girl and a toddler boy to take care of. They are special to me beyond words, but they are not mine – not yet. God may choose to allow them to join our family, but we don't know.

Time goes on. I know that God's purpose will prevail. Today I need to be reminded of God's amazing love for me because his plan hurts sometimes.

Gratitude

#261- 270

Thank you, God.

For backyard play

For grilled hot dogs at lunch and grilled salmon at dinner

For lawnmowers that work and teens who know how to run them

For giggling cousins

For my father who takes time to help Angel study for her SAT

For doctors and hospitals within minutes

For the promise of joy in God's presence even when life does not feel joyful

For medical tests that may give answers

For my sweetie's never ending love and encouragement

For hope provided through Christ's resurrection

 

Curiosity Journal

I look forward to Wednesday nights sitting alone in the bookstore. I enjoy my family immensely, but having time to put words to thoughts calms me. My day spun in crazy circles today and required a lot of driving. At this precious moment, no one needs my immediate attention. A quiet table, a venti Earl Grey, and my laptop set me up for a few moments of time to regroup.

I am reading -

Uncle Tom's Cabin is next on the list of reading for my Angel. Honestly, I have never read it before. I look forward to diving into it and teaching it with a Biblical worldview. As I have only just begun, I do not have an opinion as of yet. My son just began Shiloh for his lit. I have read a few chapters in that as well. It sounds similar to other stories that I have read it the past year, but I think he will enjoy it. I hope to finish his year with The Borrowers.

For myself, I finished The Missional Mom, but more on that later.

I am playing –

There has not been too much time for playing this week. I hope to do some fun things this weekend in preparation for Easter. I could give many excuses for not taking the time to play, but they would be just that, excuses.

I am learning –

My Princess did an awesome job on her power point presentation for the non-fiction element of her Treasure Island lit unit. I do not give her enough credit and affirmation for the way her creativity pours into her work. I learned that there is much to learn about ships and their crew.

I learned this week that my Angel leads her junior class in fund raising. God is good is bringing many into our lives that have helped us in that endeavor.

I learned that my baby knows how to climb onto chairs and out of car seats. She has a few things to learn herself.

I am reacting –

Now, let us get back to The Missional Mom. If you read my previous post, you will know that this book has made its mark on my heart. Its words still rumble in my head. I understand that missional is a trendy word today, but its meaning is found deep in history. I try to be careful of riding the latest wave, but this wave sucked me in. Looking back over my years of motherhood that stretch over seventeen years, I see that God has been forming my heart. At times, it hurt because He had to break it first. I read this book with many "Aha" moments. The author put words to what I am living. Finding only books that agree with me can be dangerous. However, this book not only gives modern examples and positive encouragement, but also presents the supporting truth of God's Word plainly. As I work out my mission, I will mess up. I will derail. I will want to give up. Those will be normal human reactions. I need God to superimpose his mission onto my heart and erase anything that will hinder and hurt.

What has caught your heart lately that has challenged your thinking?

Discipling a Heart

Little ones remind me that being a missional mom is tough. Discipling makes me tired, worn out, and frustrated - often. I hesitate to write this, but my heart is full.

Parenting involves both redirecting a behavior and discipling a heart. Both require me to be engaged, working with my children to shape them into individuals that love God and love people. Childish behavior is often easily fixed with an immediate consequence. A hardened heart, however, takes years of discipling. God in His mercy chooses to love us no matter what. He alone can change a heart once gripped by sin and soften it to accept his gift of salvation. My job is to facilitate that change in my home and pray that my child will listen.

Today was one of those days that made me question why I do what I do. Is this job of fostering too much for me? Because He loves me, my Savior gently pricked my heart to remind me that my job will never be easy. I may never see the day that my foster children give their hearts to Jesus. Until the day that they leave my home, I have the privilege to infuse their lives with the love of Jesus that will be with them forever.

My toddler pushes every button, tries to extend every boundary, and wants everything that isn't his. His heart is obvious even at such a young age. Maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. You may live with one of these little ones yourself. With my limited knowledge of my toddler's background, I can deduce that he has seen and heard things that no little one should ever see or hear. I truly believe that due to others' actions, Satan has been given a foothold in this little guy's heart. That is not to say that my God is not sovereign or stronger than anything that will come into his life. As we deal with today, though, my toddler's actions led by an unregenerate heart make me realize that my prayers for this little one need to be more intense.

Please don't misunderstand. Many things my toddler does are simply toddler things to do. He is learning. He is becoming more independent. His language and communication skills are increasing. All of this leads to opportunities of conflict with anyone who steps in his way. I also love my little guy no matter what and tell him that ever day many times. He has come a world away from his first week in our home.

Today after many episodes of conflict, I knew that he and I needed to be alone for a bit. So, while my Angel was at softball, we headed to a coffee shop that caters to moms and kids. We chose a table close to the books and toys and settled in for a few minutes – just us. We read a few books, shared some cheese crackers, and tried out some new toys.

In the car, I sang song after song, imparting God's love and truth in the simplest terms. He smiled and cheered me on. At one point, I said, "Guess what? I love you." He caught it. After that, I would say, "Guess what?" His response in his little toddler voice was "I love you". Now I was smiling.

We have a long way to go. I am trusting God's faithfulness to do His part. In the meantime, God give me grace, energy, and patience to keep on with the job I know is laid out for me.

Gratitude

My sweetie and little man are duking it out on Wii baseball. I think I will take a few minutes to write.

#251-260

I am thankful for . . .

• Sweet smiles on sleeping babies
  
• Completed week of achievement tests
  
• Cold glasses of water with a touch of lemon
  
• An overnight with Nana and Pop-pop for Princess and my little one
  
• Good doctor visits that give us hope for adoption
  
• Energy and persistence to discipline and disciple my toddler day in and day out
  
• Miniature purple petals that dot the early spring grasses
  
• School activities that challenge my kids in a creative and fun way
  
• A washer and dryer on the main level adjacent to the family room that allow me to get more done at the same time
  
• Praise music in the morning as I get ready to approach the day
  

How are you spending your Friday? What blessings have dotted your week?

 

 

Curiosity Journal

It has been a few weeks. A lot has been going on, and life has been both crazy and good, but exhausting.

I am reading . . .

The Missional Mom intrigues, challenges, and encourages me at the same time. Many who read my blog also live in the world of mommyness. As one who holds an administrative role in that world, I often challenge myself to further my "education". The Missional Mom has been a good read that has challenged me to step outside my home and see how I can minister to others while teaching my kids the same. Fostering allows many opportunities to share with others and impact families for eternity. The Missional Mom gives clarity to what I feel God wants me to do as the mom in our family.

I am playing . . .

Last weekend we celebrated our little one's 7^th birthday and invited two friends over for a garden party. Their scavenger hunt prompted them to look for worms and bright yellow flowers along with many other spring treasures. They decorated their flowerpots purposefully with precisely picked pastel markers and enjoyed placing the purple pansies in them to take home. The menu provided more "worms" in their "dirt", fruity ladybugs, and ants on a stump. After my princess painted their little faces, the little girls enjoyed a game of pin the bee on the flower. I caved to the pressure and pleading, donned the blindfold myself, succumbed to the spinning, and made my way, bee in hand and hands held out to keep from falling, toward the flower thumb tacked to the bulletin board. Giggling girls made my silliness worthwhile.

I am learning . . .

My toddler challenges my parenting daily. I continually learn that every child is so different. What works for one child does not work for another. As we are limited in our discipline, the learning curve rises that much steeper.

I am learning how to budget better to make our family run more smoothly.

I am learning that renting a vehicle that will fit all of us is going to cost a lot of money – too much really. I am going to have to learn to be creative.

I am learning a lot about weather. I picked up a value book at the bookstore. My kids loved it the first time they set eyes on it. I am using it for 1^st grade science to finish the year. We are all learning much. Even my toddler is enjoying the vivid pictures and listening to all the vocabulary presented.

I am reacting . . .

Life goes so fast. My angel was asked to go to a spring formal at the school with whom we co-op.
This is a first for all of us. The young man's mom conversed with me before he officially asked her. That of course provided some interesting conversation in our home. Now the challenge is for my angel to find a dress. For one thing, she does not own a dress presently so to go from nothing to something formal is a stretch for her. I need to keep some of my reactions at bay as we go shopping together (pray for meJ ). I am sure I will need to write after the event is over. I promise I will include pictures.

I enjoy reading others' blogs to be challenged by what they are learning and to smile along with other moms whose lives are full and crazy. Some blogs make me cry, and others prick my heart to pray. If you are visiting today and have a blog of your own that I have not had the chance to visit, please feel free to leave a link. I love to see others' comments as well. Feel free to share what you are reading, learning, playing, and reacting to in your life.

The ABCs of my Seven-Year-Old Little One

Abundant energy keeps us all on our toes wondering what she will think of next

Beautiful, brown eyes shine brightly

Creative hands work wonders with a crayon and paper

Desires to do right

Enjoys watching TV and movies

Finds friends most anywhere she goes

Gives great hugs and kisses

Hums while she works

Imagination runs wild

Just learned how to ride her two-wheeler without needing help getting on and off her bike

Knows God's Word well

Listens to Odyssey every night before she goes to sleep

Makes her own grilled cheese sandwich

Never likes Daddy to leave for work without her giving him a kiss goodbye or at least a wave from the door

Opened her heart to Jesus when she was only four

People of all ages love to spend time with her

Quick at learning most anything

Reads chapter books with gusto and expression

Spoke sentences well from a young age and hasn't stopped since

Time stands still in her own little world

Understands far more than I give her credit for

Violin is what she would like to play after she learns the piano

Whimsical, wiry, and wonderful addition to my life

eXcited about her gardening birthday party on Saturday with her friends

Yearns for the day when she doesn't need to sit in a car seat anymore

Zoom! I can't believe she is seven already. I am blessed to be her mom.

Links Worth Checking Out

Call me biased, but these two kids have written well this week. I thought they would enjoy some visits and maybe a few comments.

Princess wrote about an upcoming walk she will be making to raise money for Lupus. Check out her story here.

My little man found out he still loves little boy toys. See what he has to say here.

He is not a kid, but my sweetie has had a lot to say in his blog. You will be challenged as you read what he has written recently.

Having my kids blog allows me to take a peek into what they are thinking. It surely doesn't hurt their writing skills either.

Happy Hearts

I love music. It moves me. At times though, it moves me to insanity. My little ones sing, hum, whatever, ALL DAY, or so it seems. Where do you draw the line? Being home, they enjoy flexibility, but there comes a time when you just have to be quiet, right? Oh, the challenge! Mind you, their voices are sweet and the words honoring. However, others are trying to work in our home, like me.

This morning a revelation hit me like a blast of cold air (of course, it may have been merely the frigid temps in my parents' house). We have the privilege of seeing my parents daily due to our school schedule. My mom sits on her comfy chair in one corner with her paper and interacts with my kids throughout the morning. My father sits in his recliner in the other corner with his laptop open or with a pencil and puzzle in his hand. The kicker is – he is often humming or singing. My kids get it honestly. I guess I never realized it before for some reason. Music is inbred in my kids' hearts. They dance, they sing, they move. My dad doesn't dance and neither do I, but we have both been known to direct the music and sway to the music, even when we are driving.

The other day, we took a walk with the babies. My little one pedaled ahead on her bike. We rounded the corner and strolled down the other side of the block. An older couple was enjoying the evening on their front porch. They asked me if the little girl ahead of us was mine. Of course, I acknowledged. Well, they thought she was just so precious as she sang the entire way down the street. Goodness, she never stops. You know, though, her heart is obvious. She loves life and she loves her Jesus.

God is definitely continuing to teach me through my children. There is definitely time for silence, but more often than not, there is a time for happy hearts to sing. God teach me how to love my kids' music in a fresh way.

Gratitude

#238 - 250

Sweet strawberry sticky fingers

Slides for big kids and for little kids

Crock-pot dinners' delicious, permeating aroma

Shorts and t-shirts on a delightfully warm afternoon

Town-wide garage sale where I found wonderful deals on kids' clothes

Moments of parenting when my kids "get it"

Peanut butter cookies with kisses on top

Peaceful mornings when the babies "sleep in" until 6:45

Pink lemonade

Long lunch with a friend at Panera

Prayers for my family by those who don't even know me

My sweetie who meets me at the grocery store (after cleaning up the kitchen) just because he wants to be with me

Hugs and kisses by my little ones at bed time