Thoughts

My mind spins continually with memories of the past weeks, thoughts of what might have been, and challenges of today. I hesitate to write. It would be safe to say that I am on a rollercoaster of emotions that is a ride I don't enjoy.

God loves me. He knows all. His plan is perfect. All that said, it is hard to truly live out what I believe.

My kids were singing "My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. There's nothing my God cannot do." I lay in bed and cried. Why didn't he save Julia? I know that question pours from my weak humanity. I cannot see God's perfect plan. I do not know what God was saving Julia from. Yet, I still ask.

Yesterday was a good day. Today is not. Maybe it is the fourth day without sunshine that is adding to my sadness. Grieving is a process that is different for every person. I don't know what that means for me yet. I can't hold on to what was never mine to begin with, yet I still feel a very deep loss. Just ten days ago, my belly bulged with a little one inside. Now she is gone. All the nausea that I felt, all the aches, all the anticipation of having another little one in our home, seem to have been for naught.

It will take time for my heart to heal. In the mean time, I have been given the privilege to raise four other children here on earth. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. A large part of me wants to shut down and do nothing. Yet, I am prompted by a small quiet voice inside that pushes me out of bed and get me moving during the day. I don't want to waste what God has already given me.

Oh, I so need God's help.

Peace

11. Perfect Peace

While I'm Waiting
by John Waller

Lyrics: Thou will keep me In perfect peace when my mind is stayed on you Peace flowing like a river Peace never to be stolen Peace that you give is not of this world my mind is stayed on you John Waller (Isaiah 26:3) © 2009 Travelin' Zoo Music (ASCAP) (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) Behind the Song: "Let's face it, it's easy to become overwhelmed at times with worries about the future. I wrote this song during one of those times when all the 'what ifs' really started to play on my mind. But the Lord brought the scripture to my mind that says, "Thou will keep him in "Perfect Peace" whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." That was all I had. I locked my focus on Him. That was my antidote for worry, fear and anxiety." - John Waller   These words have resonated over and over in my heart and mind this week. God's peace is a blessing and a gift to me. Check out this artist. His lyrics are strong and his voice is a treat. If you have watched the movie, Fireproof, you have heard his song, "While I'm Waiting."

Sometimes I Just Don’t Understand

Today brought many sobs and tears, a terrible headache, unimaginable feelings of loss, and unanswered questions. My sweetie and I entered the examination room for a routine ultrasound only to find out that our little one had passed away. God chose to take her to heaven early. She is in his hands, but I honestly wanted to hold her in my arms. As my son lamented, I wanted to give her lots of kisses.

Our plan was to be surprised with who this little one was. Today changed that plan. After hearing the horrific news, we chose to find out that this little angel is a girl. Her name is Julia Eryn.

My heart is broken; I am devastated; I want to be able to hold my baby. In all that, I have to trust in a God who does nothing but good for me, even when the good hurts like nothing else.

I am convinced that God wanted us to conceive this baby, and I have to choose to believe that He wanted to take her to be with Him. I look forward to meeting her along with her three other siblings someday in heaven.

This heartache is tough for my children. They don't understand either, and I have no answers. They are seeing God in a completely new way. Their faith is growing along with mine.

This really stinks. It will be a very long week. I am so thankful for a tremendously supportive family and church. My husband is hurting alongside me and yet is supporting me every step of the way. I love him so much.

My life changed in an instant today. God has not promised me a life of ease. This is not easy. He has promised never to leave me, and that is what I am holding on to tonight.